I’m realizing that control over my life is just an illusion. Oh sure, everyone likes to think they have a say into how their life will go. They make plans or avoid things in order to get the outcome they want. But in the end, none of us really control our lives the way we want to. If we did, we’d all be sipping margaritas on a warm beach somewhere with an endless supply of money.
I’ve always been a fire cracker despite my introverted nature. I fight. I hate injustice. I try to change things. But lately I find my stubborn, fighting nature has become more of a wimp. I just don’t seem to get the point of caring anymore. Why exert energy when I always lose?
With our lack of control, we can find ourselves resentful and angry. That’s what I’m feeling lately. I’m just tired of the universe and its’ damn lessons.
I have often felt life would be easier if I just didn’t feel. Anger is an emotion that I really dislike but underneath is grief. I’m sad my life hasn’t gone as planned.
A few weeks ago, I realized I was in trouble when after a month of trying to switch my counselor, the clinic still didn’t do it and I was pissed far more than normal. Earlier that week, I cussed out someone on the phone. (I am usually patient and don’t lose it on people so easily). And then depression set in and I just stopped caring. I told my husband I was cursed. Why do simple things always have to be complicated?
Everything just seems hard. I’m tired of filling out paperwork. I’m tired of endless appointments. I’m tired of fighting to be heard. Why can’t my life ever be peaceful or joyful? Instead it’s filled with never ending lists of things to do and very little things that I actually like to do.
I recently read that most people are unhappy because they are living a life someone else told them to live. Maybe it was their parents expectations or a demanding spouse. Maybe it was society or religion. Whatever the case, it’s not what they want to do. And I can say that’s true of my life. Everything I do is because I’m expected to. And at this point, I’m so far in, I can’t change it.
I can make little changes like adding more things I like to do and dropping other things that aren’t necessary, but at the end of the day, I can’t be who I want to be.
I fight so hard to control my life. I have dreams and hopes but realize I can’t afford them and some things just aren’t realistic. If I could do life over, I’d make a thousand different choices. But then again, maybe I’d still be unhappy. Because control is not real.
We can drive along the road with the best of intentions but some drunk asshole will get behind the wheel and change us forever. And that’s the truth. We have no control over the forces that exist around us. As much as we control ourselves and follow the rules, it matters very little. There will always be someone that rips the wheel from our hands.
Maybe the happiest people aren’t happy because their life choices gave them the outcome they wanted. Maybe they are just happy because they resigned themselves to a simple life. They quit fighting to be heard and were ok with change. Somehow they learned to roll with the punches and gave up their need to control.
I guess I just feel like my life is not my own. It’s run by others and I either choose to be pissed because I want to control it or resign myself to being whatever I need to be in the moment.
It’s possible we are all like little kids trying to do what we want until our parents get in the way of our fun. Maybe the universe isn’t a prick, but I just never learn my lesson.
I can’t control things and despite the illusion of it all, I never really have.