A million and one little irritations
Fly up in my face again
And I wonder how its come to this
I ponder, trying to understand
How far apart we have travelled
With bitter tastes on our lips
Clenching fists and biting tongues
Slowly losing more of the grip
What used to put a spark in my step
Reminds me now of what I’ve given
And what used to uplift and defend
Lifts another nail in my soul to be driven
Until what’s left of me
I have a thousand words
Wanting to be articulated
And a thousand more thoughts
For which words need to be created
The only significant way
I can express them on demand
Is to slowly walk away
Leaving you speechless where you stand.
Feet crunching the long grass
I approach the high wall
And the door with its heavy knobs of brass
Pushing, breathless, I strain
A small opening; a view inside—
How enchanting and beautiful the landscape lies
Short lived; fear collides
The door slams; I lean against it and grasp my chest
Frozen, unable to move or feel
I’ve opened this door before –
They plunder, they damage, they steal.
A pounding breaks through my thoughts
From the other side-the side I fear
Relentlessly the pounding continues
Screaming, I cry, “I can’t let you near!”
Could I just trust you this once?
Tears streaming down my face
I relent, throwing my arms up
With all my might, I push – disgraced
Eyes held shut, halted
Slowly I open to see what is before me
Unveiled, What splendor I now see?
His face, bright and longingly
Eyes piercing all of me, I stand
As dust that I am
Before me, not a mortal
But the King of Creation and man!
His compassionate hands reach forth
Engulfing all my fears and worries
Breaking down the doors to rescue me
And write for me another story.
(Inspired by Psalm 15, 16, and 36)
You have drawn the lines
You hold my lot
This beautiful inheritance
I deserve not
And at my right hand
You stand to defend
I will not be shaken
By mere men
The path of life
Is made known to me
And I will walk in your light—
Yes, I will walk free
Oh Lord, I set you before me—
Your face like a consuming reverie
I drink joyfully from the river of your delights
For hell is not my destiny.
What’s in a name?
Your name follows me around
I move away, farther still
and on their lips, your name abounds
I listen against my will.
For if I could, I’d make it vanish
I’d suffocate the very word, replaced with beauty
such a word would be banished
And I’d uphold my silencing duty.
For you took away what I once could trust,
squashed the hope I had once gained,
turned my love for others into dust
To this bitter ugliness, I now am chained.
And your name….it is never silenced, but remains.
It’s easier to believe
The words they say
The lies they tell
They speak them well
Than to believe
I am worthy.
It’s easier to apologize
And hate myself
And let shame
Be my middle name
Than to believe
I deserve mercy.
It’s easier to run
While I sabotage the good
And fight a war
I didn’t have before
Than to believe
You could love me
It would be easy to reach
Out for your hand
With scars that remind
I am yours for all time
And to believe
I am forever free.
© 2013 Michelle Buck
*A poem I wrote many years ago. Thought I would put it on this blog in honor of my Dad’s birthday. He died in 1989, but I still think of him often. Happy Birthday Dad!
Dad had a secretive way
of making all the pain
he caused go away
He needed my love to gain
to repay for all the times
he couldn’t be there
and the many crimes
and prison cells he’d share.
One touch, a phrase
could drive my heart
to be quietly amazed
and give him a fresh start
As if nothing had ever
been wrong; everything was okay.
My world had never
stopped and it was a new day.
He—the fairytale dad
I dreamed of in the stillness of night
And I was no longer sad.
I imagined I’d be alright.
I—your daughter—giving you chance
after chance to a fairytale,
hoping for more than a glance
of my father, but you would fail
once again, just as before.
In memories I find
you, speaking no more
You are alive only in my mind
My fairytale, brand new
as I dream like before
And I secretly dream you
were here to disappoint me once more….
© 2005-2014 Michelle Buck.
Photo Credit: Anna Buck, my sister in law took this photo of my daughter when she was about 5. It is one of my favorite pictures.
Everything I love
Everything I ever loved
Dies a little each day
It fades away one by one
And then finally just goes away.
A face, a smile, a laugh I hear
It dissolves until it is no more
I try to remember the one I held dear
But I only recall the closing of the door.
Time supposedly heals all wounds
I’d need at least 100 years
To recover from these ruins
That have brought so many tears.
©2010 Michelle Buck
I have succumbed to the fact
That suffering is in our veins—
Our own body battles against us
Our own evil thoughts remain.
Some say these words—
They are strangers slinking near,
In disguise, they try to trick me
They claim they have overcome all fear
Such narcissistic liars convinced
Their answers, pulled from their magic bags
Can stop their ears from bleeding,
Hoping we’ll surrender with white flags
I wonder what it is like to cover
Yourself fully in the barricading sand—
Living life by shutting out the noise
Platitudes replace the ability to understand
That person, I cannot be
After the residence of suffering inside
There is no deceiving myself –
For through it, I have lived and I will die
It was upon the hands and feet,
Upon the blood stained brow
That my Savior suffered for me—
The Penalty of my death, I avow
In my hands, I hold him near
And in my feet, I walk through pain
Upon my brow, His righteous crown
Through the hurt, His grace remains.
The days He purposed for me—
The loss, the grief, the agony;
Hiding from no one my depravity,
I embrace the cross of Calvary!
For my daughter on her birthday–a poem I wrote to her when she went into Kindergarten. She’s now 15 :). Love you Nya!
Little girl I know
you grow up too fast
Another year has passed
and I wish it weren’t so
Little girl I see
a baby I once knew
I used to sing to you
and you’d fall asleep on me.
Little girl I hear
you laughing as you play
Wish I could record everyday
So I’d always have you near
Little girl I know
that time will tick
and you’ll grow up too quick
and I will miss you so
Little girl, I am still
viewing your sweet face
your full of God’s grace
I love you and always will.
© 2004-2014 Michelle Buck.